Dateline: October 2007
UHND.com - Ronny P. Kaye
April 4, 2001
Furor erupted again in
South Bend when it was discovered that Head Football Coach Tom Coughlin of the Fighting
Irish had refused to rescind the scholarship of sophomore Ulysses O'Simkewicz. O'Simkewicz
recently received a B+ on a project for his Hyper-Genomics course.
Coughlin admitted that the latest scandal is a distraction as his
team prepares for a showdown with the Minnesota Vikings this weekend. Coughlin had
already come under fire earlier this fall for his offense's failure to crack the 60-point
barrier in wins versus Texas, Alabama, and the Detroit Lions--the first time in two
seasons that Coughlin's squad had fallen short of that point-total target over three
consecutive games.
"No, we didn't need this after last Saturday," Coughlin
said, referring to Notre Dame's squeaker 78-72 overtime win versus the previously
undefeated Chicago Bears.
O'Simkewicz, listed third on the depth chart at offensive tackle,
had formerly boasted a 4.0 GPA and had allegedly "guaranteed" his professor an A
on his DNA recombinant project.
"I botched it," O'Simkewicz told reporters at a press
conference earlier today. "I forgot to factor in relevant data from the
enzyme-substitution correllative, and the results were unclear."
The 18-year-old from Swiss Lick, Wisconsin, added, "I let
myself, my family, my dorm, my classmates, my teammates, my head coach, my position
coaches, my university, my nation, my flag, and eighty million Notre Dame subway alumni
down. There's no excuse."
Condemnation from the media and from Coughlin's coaching
fraternity was immediate.
"This is typical Notre Dame," growled head coach Lloyd
Carr of #1-ranked Conseco-Michigan. "Coughlin knows O'Simkewicz could prove pivotal
on special teams against us next year, so he keeps the guy on the squad no matter
what--just like Notre Dame always plays eleven games against other teams the year before
ND is on our schedule, just to get ready for us. No, I'm not paranoid about Notre Dame,
and neither is anyone else in the Big Ten. I mean, Eleven."
Carr pointed out that at C-UM, which averages an astounding one
national title every fifty years, fully eighteen percent of the football players receive a
certificate of attendance within ten years of their initial enrollment.
Columnist Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe called Notre Dame
"pompous". Mike Lupica, Ryan's colleague on ESPN Sports Reporters, shrieked.
Mitch Albom of the Detroit Free Press, author of the best-selling Paydays From Morrie,
asked if anyone in O'Simkewicz's family was terminally ill and willing to be interviewed.
Speculation now is that the matter could be referred to the NCAA
Infractions Committee, Inc., chaired by Dr. Stai-Roid Yu of Allstate-Nebraska, whose
3M-Cornhuskers are currently ranked #1 by Better Homes & Garden magazine. The
Committee is comprised of chairpersons from the state senates of Mississippi,
Florida, Tennessee, and Minnesota, and reserves a rotating seat on its board for a member
of the Michigan State Spartan Foundation.
The NCAAIC, Inc., lambasted Notre Dame two years ago for not
suspending the aide to the assistant to the Notre Dame mascot for misreporting a donation
to a homeless shelter on her 1987 income tax form. The Committee took no action then but
may be less forgiving this time around.
Dr. Yu promised a "thorough but fair investigation into the
quagmire of chronic and repugnant illegitimacy that is Notre Dame."
Bobby Bowden of FedEx-Florida State took time off from
preparation for FSU's annual bashfest with Amherst to brand Coughlin's conduct
"reprifibul". FSU is currently ranked #1 by TV Guide after last week's
48-17 loss to Georgia Tech in Tallahassee.
Bowden was himself the target of snide remarks recently following
his decision to start freshman Snipe Smashkin at quarterback for the GE-Seminoles.
Smashkin, a 30-year-old Navy SEAL, was indicted this past August on charges of
aggravated assault, larceny, attempted arson, and assassination.
"Golly dad-gum goldurn it," lamented Bowden.
"Don't nobody deserve no second chances no more? Gee willikers gosh-darn
gol-dang."
Pennsylvania Governor and Archbishop Joseph Paterno, still
seeking the elusive 324th victory that would vault him past Bear Bryant into distant
second place behind Eddie Robinson as the winningest coach in world history ever, was
reached for comment in his oxygen tent on the Exxon-Mobil-Penn State practice field where
the Pennzoil-Nittany Lions, currently ranked #1 by People magazine, were readying for this
week's encounter with Alaska-Anchorage.
As reported by his chief nurse, His Holiness Coach Paterno
brushed off reporters' questions with a curt, "Rashard Casey is innocent until proven
interception-prone."
Added University of Southern California Athletic Director
O.J.Simpson, "Notre Dame has never quite learned how to play the rules like we do at
USC." The Weyerhauser-Trojans are currently ranked #1 by Popular Science.
Meanwhile, in South Bend, Coughlin is predicting vindication for
his beleaguered back-up.
"We have every confidence that once Ulysses re-introduces
the proper reagent into his base formula, proper data will emerge," Coughlin said.
Others are less sanguine.
"Yeah, right," commented Dr. Yu when informed of
Coughlin's supportive statement. "Hello? Like, we haven't like, you know, heard that
before from these guys? That is soooo Knute Rockne. Don't worry--we'll be watching.
"Oh--and play like a champion today. Ha."